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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26981350">Not That Easy (To Shake Off)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KairaElffish/pseuds/KairaElffish'>KairaElffish</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEAL Team (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Grief/Mourning, Whumptober, Whumptober 2020, episode fic, episode:2x05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:16:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,003</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26981350</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KairaElffish/pseuds/KairaElffish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His chest throbs and he gingerly raises a hand so that he can skim his fingers over the dark bruise that is already forming. Even the lightest of touches hurt and he withdraws the fingers with a flinch. Breathing was painful but at least he could still do it. Adam can't. Adam will never get the chance to do something so many people took for granted.</p><p>OR</p><p>Clay spends longer than he means to in the shower at the end of episode 2.05 and Sonny comes to check on him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Not That Easy (To Shake Off)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Soooo, I rewatched this episode and couldn't help but write this. There are spoilers!</p><p>Whumptober Prompts; Survivor's Guilt, Chest Pain, Grief, and general Guilt.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He can hear Sonny crinkle the beer can before it smashes against the shower tiles and feels the wail that leaves his brother to his very core. He can't find the air to make a sound himself though and his face crumples. His chest throbs and he gingerly raises a hand so that he can skim his fingers over the dark bruise that is already forming. Even the lightest of touches hurt and he withdraws the fingers with a flinch. Breathing was painful but at least he could still do it. Adam can't. Adam will never get the chance to do something so many people took for granted.</p><p> </p><p>Clay isn't sure if the water running down his face is from the shower or if he's crying. He doesn't really care. Another throb from his chest leaves him wanting to smash his fist into something, anything. If he'd been quicker setting up the shot then maybe Adam would still be here. The team wouldn't have lost precious minutes dragging his ass to safety and then checking him over. He would have been able to turn quickly without his chest trying to suffocate him in the process. He could have shot the asshole in the s-vest before Adam had the chance to be a hero.</p><p> </p><p>Adam had a family waiting for him back home. <em>Has</em>, the correction is bitter as he watches his mentor's blood swirl down the drain. He wonders if they know yet, wonders if his Master Chief is going to be the one that has to deliver the news. <em>Wouldn't that be fucked up.</em> His knees buckle and he's on his ass before he has the chance to do anything about it. His breathing hitches and for a moment he's left pawing at the floor while he tries to remember how to breathe. It's not that hard, he was just doing it a few seconds ago. The pain subsides slowly but he makes no attempts to regain his feet. </p><p> </p><p>Perhaps on the floor is where he belongs tonight. Perhaps in the ground is where he should have been tonight. The thought makes him shiver and his fingers curl around the air. That wouldn't be fair to his brothers or Stella. It isn't fair to Adam either. The other showers turn off one by one and the room empties slowly. He hears Ray call his name, concern tinging the other man's voice and it takes a considerable amount of effort to respond with, "I'm fine. Be out in a few." He doesn't move though, opts to have the water curtain around him in an embrace.</p><p> </p><p>It's only when he's truly alone that a low keen makes its way from his throat and seems to echo over the shower. His knees draw up to his chest as his breath hitches once more and he fights to hold back a sob. It was a losing battle. <em>Shake it off.</em> Shaking this off wouldn't be so easy. The water starts to grow cold and he tries to reach up and turn it off. His fingers come up just short of the knob though and he lets his hand fall down. He's not ready to get up and slip his mask back into place. Not yet. At some point, the water turns too cold to sit under and Clay scooches his way to the corner of the shower and presses up against the sides. Exhaustion starts to tug at him and his eyes flutter shut.</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>He awakens to the sound of cursing and scuffling feet. He doesn't remember anyone being here when he... <em>oh. </em>He'd fallen asleep. In the shower. A hand cups under his chin and tilts his head back and it takes him a moment to realize that someone is speaking to him. Clay cracks his eyes open and is met with the sight of a surprisingly wet and worried Texan. He has to fight the urge to slap the hands away and knows deep down that he needs to let Sonny check him over. He's not sure why though.</p><p> </p><p>"-ake a nap in a cot instead of scaring the shit out of me." The tone tells him that his brother had been ranting.</p><p> </p><p>"Srry." The apology is slurred with sleep as Clay unfurls himself. The last thing he needed to be doing was adding to the emotions that were bound to be running high. "I.." his voice cracks and he winces. "I just needed some time." He still needs time. He pushes his way to his feet as he waves off the concerned look on Sonny's face. His chest throbs and he involuntarily cradles it. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, well." Sonny has retreated to linger just outside of the shower and he fiddles with the towel before tossing it to Spenser. "I came in here to see if maybe you wanted a beer."</p><p> </p><p>Clay wants to snort in disbelief, wants to ask what good a beer will do. Beer can't fix this. There's something about the bashful way that his team-mate fiddles with an already opened can that keeps his mouth shut though. He's not the only one hurting, not by a long shot. He dries off, wraps the towel around his waist, and shuffles to the entrance. "I could use a beer."</p><p> </p><p>Both men sit on one of the benches, there's a sharp pop as Clay thumbs his can open and he looks at the ground. The company is nice, it helps keep him from wandering back into the abyss of what-ifs that plagues him when he's alone. Sonny, for his part, says nothing and just hands the rookie another beer after the first is finished. It's only when they move to leave and rejoin the rest of the team that Clay rests a hand on the other man's shoulder and squeezes gently. He knows he doesn't have to speak and actually say the words <em>thank you</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Then his mask slips back on and the sniper slips out the door to keep watch over his mentor.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you guys enjoyed the story! Please leave a review, they are a positive to every day! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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